I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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