"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
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