You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
