Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
