It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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