Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
