I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
