Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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