Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
