When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize