So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
