Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
