Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
