It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
