can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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