im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
