none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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