I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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