im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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