I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
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