Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
