Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
