1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
