I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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