Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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