Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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