I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
