can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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