I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
