Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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