did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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