you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
