and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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