I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
