I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Randomize
