I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
