babies were throwing up all over the place
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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