I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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