We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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