I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
