I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
