even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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