Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
