sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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