Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
In America we eat man semen.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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