So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
