dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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