I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
