I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
