remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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