when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
