i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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