His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
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