I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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