Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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