How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize