I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I think your dad took our porno
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
