If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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