just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize